Editor’s note: post involves copious amounts of satire.

What’s leather and gold and costs $22,000?

How about the top-of-the-line Apple Watch (pictured above)?

That’s a lot of money for thing.

But celebrities and oil tycoons have a pile of money so it’s fine for them to spend that kind of money.

What’s crazy to me is how Apple has created a watch that fairly average joes will turn their nose up at the $450 version and spend closer to $1500…then do it again in a couple years.

Am I one of those joes?

Maybe. At least I want to be. Because I love the Apple Watch.

I mean, have you seen it?

It’s gorgeous.

Plus, you can customize it so many ways so it can be exactly what you want it to be.

38mm Stainless Steel Brown Modern Buckle in case you’re wondering (I have small wrists).

But how much for a smart watch with a simple brown leather band?

$979 plus tax.

That’s almost $1100 for a watch that I’ll want to upgrade in a year or two.

And that’s a huge chunk of change.

What’s even crazier? I’m considering it.

It’s the power of Apple’s emotion machine that turns pieces of metal into things that we NEED.

Sure, there’ll be every competing company lining up to show matrixes of features and the price difference between their watches and this watch, but none of that matters.

Apple has once again created  a product where features don’t matter. Price doesn’t matter.

Because you’re not buying a thing – you’re buying happiness.

Sure, you won’t be able to feed your family and you’ll lose your house, but hey, you deserve to be happy.

My hat is off to Apple as a company as a whole as well as their marketing engine that is pumping this thing out. It’s going to be a huge success.

I, however, really, really don’t want to lose my house or my family over a watch.

So, if you’re like me, I’ve created this simple 10-step plan to keep us all safe!

How to Not Buy an Apple Watch in 10 Easy Steps:

#1 – Purchase a baseball bat. Smash wireless router so no online purchases can be made.

#2 Throw smartphone in toilet. Do not fish it out. Do not put in rice.

#3 – Never leave the house (WiFi is EVERYWHERE).

#4 – Never put in enough gas to drive to a city with an Apple Store.

#5 – If you have to go to said city with Apple Store, book hotel as far away from the mall as possible. Only put in enough gas to cost on fumes to hotel. Walk a few miles if necessary.

#6 – If for some crazy reason you have to go anywhere near the mall, light a fire and throw your credit cards in. Seeing pictures associating Apple with Illuminati may be helpful.

#7 – If your significant other is telling you that you’re scaring them and drags you to the mall, while it may burn a little, take melted credit cards and graft blinders to your face so as to not see the Apple store in the mall.

#8 – If you have to go to the Apple Store to buy yet another Apple TV Remote lost to the bottomless pit that is your couch cushions, first make custom jump suit with the words “Stay Back 10M – Recovering From Contagious Fungal Skin-Eating Disease” so as to ward of those pesky “experts” that may force you into purchasing watch.

#9 – Sew the sleeves of your jumpsuit into a straight-jacket so as to not actually be able to touch said watches. Mutter, “The illuminati will take over the world if I buy a watch” over and over to reinforce your will. Not too loud that the “experts” will hear that you want a watch – just loud enough that people know you’re muttering.

#10 – The plan is complete because the police will be promptly called, you will be arrested, and Apple does not ship to prison.

You’re welcome, world.